When a couple decides to get married, most people struggle, to some degree, with the emotional baggage both partners carry. Adult children of divorce struggle not only with memories of their own past relationships’ challenges but also with unresolved trauma from their parent’s divorce. According to Petrelli Law, 40% to 50% of first marriages result in divorce, and many people approach a wedding with the fear that an inevitable divorce could be the fate of their union. However, by taking a proactive approach to the impact of these challenges, you can find a way to deal with their trauma, so it doesn’t doom their marriage.
1. Define and Feel Your Feelings
Healing from a trauma always begins with admitting what you’re feeling and that you need help. You may not have realized the extent of how your preconceived notions of marriage have negatively colored your expectations of your future marriage. Bringing the trauma to the surface can flood you with feelings, but processing them is the only way to get through them. Talk with your future spouse about what you’re feeling and what fears you have about marriage.
2. Understand How Your Experience Shaped You
Your view of your parents’ divorce – including its aftermath – may depend on which parent you spent the most time with. Statistics show the couple often decides on child visitation – and that their decision can be influenced by both parents’ schedules. Taking these into consideration, the couple frequently agree on what is best for the child and present it as a consensus to the court.
3. Get Help With Your Feelings
When your feelings confront you, it’s essential to have an unbiased professional guide you as you work through them. A counselor will provide a safe place for you to define your feelings and learn healthy coping mechanisms. Professional counselors are trained to provide compassion and a path toward self-healing. Before you can succeed as part of an emotionally healthy couple, it is essential to become as emotionally healthy as possible, on your own.
4. Be Kind to Yourself
People who are wounded need a chance to let their wounds heal. Because personal health can influence emotional health, you should maintain a daily routine, including healthy food, exercise, and enough sleep. Statistics show half of the people in America visit a dentist twice a year, and most visit a doctor at least as often. Be kind to yourself, and find some activities you enjoy.
5. Adopt Realistic Expectations About Marriage
Even couples who haven’t survived a parental divorce know better than to expect everything to be “happily ever after.” As you prepare for marriage, think about what you expect your marriage to be like. Recognize that disagreements are sure to come – but they don’t automatically spell an end to your marriage. On the other hand, it’s okay to be hopeful that your love will survive and give you both ongoing joy.
6. Go to Pre-Marital Counseling
If you’ve already sought a counselor for your emotional survival, you should find a different counselor to work with you and the person you plan to marry. Your individual issues are different from your issues as a couple. Your current life and routine will change when you get married. A pre-marital counselor can help you work through upcoming issues that could pose exceptional challenges for you as a couple.
Having been through your parents’ divorce will leave you scarred, but it doesn’t have to leave you without hope for the future. If you believe you’ve found the one you want to spend your life with, take the steps you need to help heal from your emotional scars. Talk to the person you love and let them know your concerns. If you two work together and get the help you both need, you’ll be taking your best chance to make your marriage work.
