Ever since my babies, babies, babies post, I’ve been thinking about two other child-related things that I just have to tell someone about because I want to know if I’m normal. Well, I already know I’m not normal…
The first is…I really want a girl. Like really want a girl. Like, I will be really really sad if I don’t have a girl. And I feel like this kind of sets me up for failure. It’s not that I don’t want a boy, because I do–I want a boy and a girl–it’s just that I feel like I’ll be really upset if I don’t have a girl.
Here’s what I don’t get–when I ask other people, either people who have had kids or people who are pregnant, all I get is “We’re fine with a boy or a girl.” It’s like they really mean it. Is that because there’s some rule that you’re not supposed to say what gender you want?
Because I’m telling you now, I really want a girl. I want a girl first too because then I can relax with my second pregnancy. You can bet your butt that if I have a boy first, I’m gonna be so nervous for the second. What if it’s another boy and I don’t get a girl? I will be so sad.
Obviously, I know I will get over it and all will be right with the world. Is it weird that I seriously think about this a lot more than I should, considering we’re still at least two years away from having kids? I mean, I think about it a lot–I have a very real fear of not having a girl.
Please tell me I’m not alone.
The second thing I want to ask is–is it okay to have three kids?
When Eric and I first got married, we were all like “We’re gonna have four kids!” Now that I’m not drunk on love and can think a little clearer, I think three would be a much more manageable–both physically and financially–number. HOWEVER, I am getting major opposition from some people, ahem my mother, *cough*, that I cannot have three.
I am the oldest of three, and cannot imagine our family without my youngest brother (he was an oopsie). Eric is the youngest of two–and to me, their family just seems so small. My mother is the youngest of four, and my dad is the oldest of seven. I have A LOT of family and I like it that way. Family gatherings are big and loud and what’s not to love about more presents at Christmas time?
I am told that three children is one too many. There’s always drama with the middle child who feels neglected. Are middle children doomed?
Ideally, I would have a girl first, then a boy and I would be happy, and a third would be an option. However, if I have two boys or two girls, I would be more inclined to try for a third.
I know I shouldn’t spend so much time planning this stuff, because you just can’t plan for this. But these two things have been occupying my mind. I mean, I seriously get nervous at the thought of having a baby because what if I don’t have a girl? What if I have two boys or two girls? Is it okay to have a third?
SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.
Please help. I can’t be the only crazy one–does anyone else obsess about this stuff?? Or did you before you had kids? IS IT OKAY TO HAVE THREE KIDS? Are you a seriously messed up middle child?
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[…] imagine how big the discrepancy will be when we have children. And while I’ve written about my desire to have a big family, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to handle it while working full-time and having a […]
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I want 3 kids. I grew up with only a brother and sometimes I wish I had a sister to share things with or even another brother as my brother isn’t always the easiest person to have a conversation with.
When I found out my sister-in-law was pregnant, I wanted her to have a girl because I would love to have a little niece that I can have tea parties with or dress up in girly dresses or go shopping with when she gets older. I bought a bunch of cute little girl dresses to give my SIL at her baby shower. I had to return them when I found out they were having a boy. I was devastated. What do you do with a boy? He is now a year old and I can’t imagine not having a nephew. He is so much fun and it’s only going to get better. I can’t wait until he’s old enough to join some sports and I can go to his baseball and football games. When I have kids, I honestly won’t care whether I have a boy or a girl. A couple years ago, I would have said I wanted a girl but now that I have experience with a boy, I want both.
Adopt a girl.
Was this by any chance spurred by this Slate piece?! http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/medical_examiner/2012/09/sex_selection_in_babies_through_pgd_americans_are_paying_to_have_daughters_rather_than_sons_.html
I haven’t given a ton of thought to this. I would rather all girls than boys and I think I’d be pretty gutted if I had all boys (I believe I only want two kids and would like one of each, with two girls being my second choice). What’s wrong with having three kids?? Do what feels right for you guys.
Wow this article is….disturbing…
I feel sad for the mother but at the same time I can’t even imagine not wanting my child just because he’s a boy… I don’t know if I could go to those extremes. I feel that you are given exactly what you need, even if it may not be what you think you need.
I truly, TRULY believe that you can’t really “know” how many kids you want until you reach that number. I thought I was happy with one, until I had number two (I mean, seriously, I was unhappy to be pregnant with #2, simply because I was so stuck on the notion that I only wanted one); and once we had the second child, we knew without a doubt that we were done. Thinking three when you don’t even have one is kind of crazy – you don’t even know what motherhood is about yet! It’s always a journey full of surprises, and you can’t predict what the perfect number will be for you.
That said… I TOTALLY know where you’re coming from with the girl. I felt the exact same way, and (miraculously) got what I wanted – my headstrong, stubborn, painfully intelligent daughter came first. It did make me feel less internal pressure about baby number two, as I could be TRULY happy regardless of his gender 🙂
1. 3rd kid means a bigger car
2. Nothing wrong with zero kids either. Not a common choice either but a happy one for us.
Oh, to be so young and naive again.
Preferring one sex over another is perfectly normal. But if you start obsessing over it?….You seriously need to step away from the baby books and find a hobby.lol
Why not occupy yourself with thoughts on how much more important it is that you have a HEALTHY baby instead.
THAT is much more important in the great scheme of things, isn’t it?
Remember the old saying….”When we plan, God laughs.” It’s so true so don’t spent your time agonizing over what sex you get.
As for family size…..this is something to hash out between you and your spouse. Don’t let anybody else tell you what is right for your family.
As your family grows(or doesn’t) how you feel, what is right may change, so you don’t need to mark it into stone now how many kidlets you’ll bring into the world.
And please make sure your spouse is on board with the plan and that you have the financial means to support however many kids you ultimately decide is right for you.
Because honey, you may feel like love will find a way but hamburger helper ain’t free. 😉
Um, hi. My name is Tabitha and I CONSTANTLY obsess over my hypothetical future children — how many, what gender in what order, how far apart, names (oh boy am I obsessed with names)… (“Hi, Tabitha.”)
I don’t think there should ever be a hard-and-fast rule about how many kids a couple should have. I’m one of four but I still suffered from a bit of middle child syndrome because my two younger siblings are really close in age (to each other, not to me) and were always treated/disciplined as one entity. But I know our family wouldn’t have been complete if my parents had stopped after me.
But I feel ya on loving having a bigger family. Joe is one of two, and both his parents only have one sibling each, and it’s super weird to me! My mom is one of 5, I have like 30 cousins on one side, and my dad is one of like 6 or 7 (blended family, I’ve never even met a couple of his siblings lol). I think it all comes down to what you and Eric decide.
And it’s so NOT crazy or wrong to really, really want a girl! I think the only thing that would be wrong is not loving every single boy you gave birth to, even if you have six boys and zero girls. 😛 I am so crazy that I’m hoping for a specific order: Boy, Girl, Girl, Boy (if I make it to four kids before I lose my shit). And I have names for each one. And if I don’t have at least one boy and one girl, I will be pretty sad.
So basically, you’re not alone and you’re not crazy. 😛
If you can afford it, why not have three? I think so long as you have the love, money and space for all the kids, you’re fine.
I also don’t understand those people who say they don’t have a preference. I mean really – come on! Gun to your head, I’m sure they’d have a preference. My husband is that way though – he always says he doesn’t care and it kinda drives me nuts!
I’ve had to lay down the law to both my family and my husband’s fam. Each family has voiced their gender preferences as if I’ll be picking up a baby when shopping. I’m so tired of hearing it since it feels like the pressure is on me and one side will be disappointed. Granted I don’t have kids, but I don’t really believe one gender is easier than another. I nannied and babysat my whole life and I don’t believe that the personality isn’t directly related to the gender.
I want children and as the oldest of three? I don’t see a problem with having 3 kids. I definitely want one of each, so that would kind of help me make my choice-if I have two boys/girls first, I’m going to want to try a thrid time to get the other gender!
I used to want four also. Now that I’m older and already through one I can tell you financially I do not want four. If we had the money I would. Every time you go out to eat, every trip to Disney World, etc….gets expensive. I think two with the option of three is not a bad idea. Everyone is sooo different. I worry about taking them on vacations and paying for car insurance one day. It is hard enough with the one I have! And I totally really want another girl too:) Totally normal:)
I reallyreallyreally want a girl too. I used to not wanta boy simply because I didn’t have a boy named that I liked. Now I have the perfect boy name…so yeah, I want one of each.
Im the oldest of 3 and my brothers are twins. So, I should’ve had one brother but ended up with 2…and you’re right, families with less than 3 kids seem “small”.
I would like to start with one, of course, but I have a feeling we will end up with twins…
You’re not alone in the whole wanting a girl/boy thing but I feel like something changes when you actually get pregnant. If you’re anything like almost every other pregnant woman, me included, you start worrying the second you find out. You keep wishing for that next ‘safety milestone’ first 12 weeks (miscarriage goes down), then 25 (viability goes up) etc etc so it’s not that people don’t wish for a certain sex it’s more worrying about your baby and really, honestly just wanting a healthy baby.
I want 3+ kiddos as well (hubby is on the 3 is one too many train though). I only have a sister and as an adult I would LOVE to be surrounded by more siblings. Honestly if it wasn’t so expensive I would have like 6 kids haha.
I always say I want 3 +/- 1 kids. I think 3 seems right for some reason, but I’d be fine with 2-4.
Lol!! Oh, Erika! I think we all worry about stuff like this, even if it isn’t this specific stuff. I wonder about my future husband WAY too much and who knows if I have even met him yet. To answer your question: yes, I think it is totally fine to have three children. If anything, I think spacing out kids messes them up more. My sister and I are 11 years apart and my brother and I are 15. My sister and I both act like “oldest children” and she also deals with being the “middle child.” Life happens, and when you and Eric do have children, they will be amazing and beautiful and I don’t think you’ll care if they are boys or girls or whether or not they’re middle children.
I honestly didn’t care whether I had boys or girls – and I have two boys. In fact, if we had had a third (too late now!!), I would have preferred another boy. EVERYONE I know (who has girls) says how hard they are! Drama all the time. Boys are loud, but easy to raise. I could never have done a girl’s hair anyway!
I am positive that if you have a boy, once you hold him in your arms, you will not even remember wanting a girl.
Oh, this is a topic people love to give advice on!
I am the elder of two girls; my partner is the oldest, followed very quickly by her sister, and they have a little brother (who is now old enough to have a boy of his own). I would like to start with a baby girl in hopes of continuing the family dynamic of female leadership. (That sounds extra-crunchy militant lesbian when I write it out like that, but I’m not really.) I also think I’d know how to raise a girl a bit better (not having had boys in my life very often as children) and would want to make the first-child mistakes (that I think we’re all bound to make) with her… it somehow seems logical to me that a girl would weather those better than a boy, but that’s probably my own experience of being the elder sibling and female.
Some adoption agencies allow adoptive parents to specify a gender; some don’t. (Some okay it in special circumstances, like when a family with multiple children of one sex wants one of the opposite.) I think we’ll want to consider that when we choose an agency.
It’s normal to think about this stuff, but I think it’s important to realize that there’s really not much control parents have over the situation. Numbers and spacing/timing of children depend on a lot of factors, including biology, finances, energy and emotional health, and personal preference. You may change your mind after you’ve had one, or two, and I hope that you’d be willing to work with the situation that you have then, not just with the script you had before you started. Sometimes life just happens! And you learn to deal with what you’re given. (Extra-hard for a control freak like me to accept, but I still think it’s true.)
Yes, it’s okay to have 3 kids! We don’t live in China! It’s okay if you want those three kids and you will love them and you have the funds to take care of them. Heck, these days even if you don’t have the funds you still can because everyone says “you find a away.” Just don’t have 19! Now that woman on 19 kids and counting is nuts! I’m sorry but really? As for a boy-girl thing I always said if I had a kid I’d want a girl but as I got older that switched to a boy b/c the thought of raising a girls is so scary to me! Never mind all the cute clothes-everyone says boys are “easier.” But if I did have 2 I’d def want one of each. BUT-we pretty much decided we aren’t having kids at all so all of that is moot!!
I’m a middle child and I love it! I’m a year and a half apart from both my sisters and definitely closer with each of them than they are with each other. Maybe it would have been different if we weren’t three girls, but I loved growing up in the middle and hope to have three kids as well. And I wouldn’t stress about how many kids you have now… when the time’s right, you guys will figure it out. 🙂
My husband and I are both the oldest of three kids and our middle siblings seem fairly well adjusted 🙂
I really wanted a girl but my sense is that I would end up with all boys (there are 0 girls in my husbands family), so I tried to block out my desire for a daughter. When I found out I was pregnant, In my heart I KNEW it wasn’t a boy from day 1, but I tried not to get my heart set that this was a girl. Turns out, I was correct and am now 31 weeks pregnant with a little girl 🙂 If this baby had been a boy, I would have been fine, but I think if I had all boys I would be pretty disappointed honestly. I would have gotten over it eventually, but I really, REALLY wanted a little girl.
I believe it is totally fine to wish whole-heartedly for a girl. HOWEVER. My boss did the same and the day she found out she was having a boy she had a TOTAL MELT DOWN. The tech, her husband, they were all appalled with her behavior. I understood though, because she was grieving the daughter she THOUGHT she was having. My mom swore I was a boy up until the minute I was in her arms, and even then she triple checked that they weren’t wrong. It’s totally normal, especially after months (or years) of promising yourself that it will be one way, and its the opposite. I am all about the pessimistic way of things, plan for the worst, and be pleasantly surprised with the best. 🙂
And as far as quantity goes, 3 is totally fine. Many families are shooting for smaller families now, because of the economy, the way of life, etc. Your parents are probably worried because they saw how their parents struggled with lots of kids (and they probably struggled with your family of 3 kids). I too came from a large family… but I personally want to go the other way. It’s probably a combination of things like my fear of child birth (women in my family don’t fair so well), my age (mid thirties), etc. I am a prime candidate for adopting! We actually discussed this in length before we got married, and I agreed that I’ll try it, but I’m only doing it once, so if God want’s me to have more than one, he needs to give them all to me at once! 🙂 haha.
Either way, stressing about your future children DEFINITELY makes it hard to conceive. (not to mention worrying is bad for your health!) I am a worrier as well, so I totally get it.. but once you can let go of your worries and trust that whatever happens will be THE RIGHT thing – the better you’ll feel. 🙂
Praying for you! XOXO A
I can only speak from experience. When my husband and I first started discussing kids he was sure that two was enough, having come from a family with two kids. I, on the other hand, had two brothers (still have them) and was all for having 3 kids. The first two were boys. I was thrilled and so was my husband. He was still wanting only two kids, when, oops, we did it again! Wanting to know the sex of the baby this time around, we went for a late stage ultrasound to find out. We were both ok with either a boy or a girl. When people would see us out with the boys and me pregnant, they would ask, “are you trying for a girl?”. No, we would say. It doesn’t matter. And it really doesn’t. Your children are your children and you love them regardless of their gender. We have three kids, all boys, and I wouldn’t trade any of them for the “girl”! They are fabulous human beings! They all get along, sometimes #1 and #2 hang out, sometimes #2 & #3 hang out, sometimes #1 & #3 hang out, and sometimes all three. I can’t imagine having only two, but that’s just me. It really is up to you to decide what the right number should be. Sometimes you don’t realize it was three until you get there!! Good luck to you both. You’ll figure it out!
I’m the middle of three girls. I guess I’m the peace maker but we really each have our own personalities as well. I like the three sibling dynami. We are all close but I was closer to my youngest sister growing up but closer my my older sister as adults. There isn’t pressure to be best friends with eachother but we still have our close bonds.
My husband and I wanted a girl, but that was mainly because we already had a girl’s name picked out. We talked about our daughter by name long before I was pregnant. Now I’m almost 6 months pregnant with a boy. Although I still don’t know what his name is, I do know that I’m totally okay with having a son first. It’s different when you know you’re going to have a son. I never thought I was pregnant with a girl. Now that I’ve had the ultrasound, I feel more drawn to little boys than girls. I can’t wait to meet my son.
As for the number, I always wanted 3, my husband wanted 5, so we might compromise on 4, but we’re pretty much just taking it one kid at a time. I definitely wouldn’t say 3 is too many though.
Almost every one of my friends has wanted lots of kids and then decreased the number as they were born. Before the birth of the first it’s “I want to have 4.” Then it’s “I want 3!”. And after the 2nd, “Hubby is getting a vasectomy.” I’ve never had kids, but I’m assuming everything changes once you start and all your preconceptions (haha – bad pun!) go out the window.
I am the third of four, but my oldest sister (8 years older than me) moved out when she was 16, so functionally we were a lot like a 3 child family. I have classic middle child syndrome in that I like to keep people happy, but my give a f*** breaks easily and then I just don’t care. 😉
I would have kids if I could be guaranteed to get pregnant with boy-boy twins and be done. Since I can’t, I’m not so sure I want to go through it all. My husband and I are on year 2 of marriage and we have 3 more to go before we have to actually make any serious decisions about having kids or not. Also, I’m definitely not having any while living overseas. So that takes us until at least 2014.
As to normal or not? My Momma always told me that “normal is a setting on a dryer, not a condition of life.” Normal is different for everyone and that’s okay.
dude. i was afraid that i would cry the wrong kind of way at the ultrasound. i really wanted a girl. when the tech told me i had a son, i cried the right way, and it suddenly didn’t matter. hormones rock. 😉 three kids is fine! the middle child isn’t any better or worse off than the oldest or the youngest, i’m sure.
I always tell people that I would seriously be ok with having 5 kids if they could all be girls. But the fact that I have a chance of having a boy makes me question whether I want kids at all. This is not normal, but it’s how I feel :-/
@ TeacHer – I feel the same way, and think the same thing. I question if my husband and I should even think about trying until I can just learn to TOTALLY accept I have ZERO control over any of it. Then again, comments like the one above yours from @cat make me wonder if there isn’t something that just kicks in once you’re in the thick of it. And who knows…maybe having girls isn’t all it’s cracked up to be? (I’m not buying that, but you never know…)
This is a cute post, and I have felt similar feelings.
When my husband and I (currently on year 19) were newly married and talking about / planning our family. I was 100% in favor of having a BOY first. This was non-negotiable between God and myself…I wanted a son first and that was that!!! I was so afraid of having a little girl first and that she would turn out to be a mother hen looking after siblings, always having to be in charge, and basically, living my childhood – which stunk! I was the oldest and only daughter and let me tell you – I was in charge of way too much at too young of an age. It left me feeling like, the only way to make amends with that was to have a son first.
God is so good that he blessed us with a son, our first born. Now, I have always wanted 3 children. 2 boys and 1 girl. But with our first baby in our arms, I was actually becoming more and more comfortable with the idea of just having the traditional one of each. So after our first baby turned 1 we learned that baby #2 was on the way. I thought – cool, here comes my girl, we will be done, life will be great, all is good! With both baby #1 and baby #2 we could not “tell” what the gender was so of course there was that time when we were…I hope the baby is a ….?
But when you’re pregnant something does change, as your belly goes bigger, you hear your baby’s heart beat at each Dr’s appt. your “gender wish list” slowly gives way to the relationship that is developing between you and your unborn baby. You begin talking to your belly, dreaming of all the things you and your baby will do together and to be honest….it never enters your mind about will it be a boy or a girl…who cares….its your sweet baby and either way you will be MADLY IN LOVE with him or her.
OK, so back to the baby #2 story. To be on the safe side I did pack 2 coming home outfits – one girl (all pink…after having a boy, yes, you are ready for a little pink with bow here and there) and one for another boy. Baby # 2 was born a healthy and adorable baby BOY!!! Yep, God is good and He has a solid sense of humor as well. I do remember looking at the girl outfit with a little sadness but only for a nano second. I just knew that if it was meant to be, it would happen…if not, then there must have been a reason. I was good with that because I was mom to the sweetest/cutest little boys on Earth so really nothing else mattered.
Fast forward nearly 3 years later and there we were heading to the hospital for the delivery of baby #3. But this time, thanks to our oldest who at age 4 1/2 got to perform the last ultrasound thanks to our very cool OB-GYN confirmed that a little sister was on the way. I do not know what I did to deserve this dream line up in the birth order of our children…but I could not have planned it better myself. It was perfect! I had my sweet boys, and got a little girl at the tail end of the family to be looked after and protected by her big brothers, who will always be too young and too little to be overly responsible and who will never have to be a little mother because she is the youngest. Again, God is good!
Now they are 16, 14, and 11. While the boys are the oldest and do keep a protective eye on their baby sister, she is still a little mother hen (must be in the DNA). She loves her brothers like crazy and would do anything for them and she too keeps a watchful eye as well. I feel like I did get the best of both worlds and it is very true what they say…”babies come when they are ready, and God always gives you what YOU need!”
Parenting is a wild ride (a good wild ride) we have just rolled with what we were given, grateful for these sweet babies that are in our lives, and could not imagine life any other way. Good luck to you both!
Best Wishes!
I am a middle child and I love it. My oldest sister got the early curfews that got stretched later for me and my younger sister got held on to as the baby… So I feel like I got the chilled out balance of my parents’ parenting. I’m close to both of my sisters as well (3 years younger and 2 years older than me). I also have a half sister who is close enough that I refer to her as my sister, not half. I loved being an all girl family, even our two girl dogs! I don’t know what I’ll even do if we have a boy haha they are so foreign to me!
Ah! Never have commented but I have to comment on this post! YES! I obsess over this and we just got married in May and are on the 2 year kid plan (talking 2014 here). I reallllllly want a boy and will be so sad if I, like you for a girl, don’t get a boy…. However, I think that once you are pregnant, it changes. There are so many things that can go wrong and having a healthy baby really is all that matters. My husband really wants a girl to spoil so no matter what we are happy. :). Also, I want 4 kids but the husband only wants 2. I have him convinced that if we have 2 kids of the same sex first that we can try for a 3rd, but if we have a boy and a girl that we are 2 and through. My husband has this belief that if you have 3 kids one will end up being the black sheep–but with 2 they both get attention and won’t end up rebelling. Who knows. I have seen functional 3 kid families. I guess we better get on it because I’m 29 right now and at 31/32 starting out having kids gives me a late start for 3!
If it weren’t okay to have 3 kids, there would be a lot of people in trouble right now. It’s all how you parent them. Sure, the middle children whose parents let them sit outside in mud puddles, wearing diapers, drinking kool-aid for breakfast might be messed up. But that’s not the norm, right?
I want a girl. Part of me thinks I will definitely have one. That may or may not be accurate. 😛
I always wanted a girl. I even had a name picked out before we got married 🙂 But now I’m absolutely in love with my two boys. Can’t imagine my life without them. I still want a girl but if the third one is a boy, I will still be one happy soccer Mom! On that note, i have a friend whose parents really wanted a boy. Well, he’s the youngest of nine, with 8 girls ahead of him 🙂
I THINK WE ARE THE SAME PERSON.
Seriously. I’m in the same boat. I want two, but I REALLY want a little girl and I know I will be disappointed if the first kid’s a boy (and then stressed about the next pregnancy). I have convinced Zach that if we end up having two boys we’ll need to adopt a girl. That’s how seriously I want a little girl.
If you think three kids is what would make you and your husband happy, then absolutely go for it. This is coming from the oldest of two children, so I can’t say I know what it’s like to have a third sibling to grow up with or what it’s like as a middle child.
You’re not alone though. I’m thinking similar things as well. My husband and I originally talked about having two kids. My mom was the oldest of 4 and my dad the fifth of 6 kids. But I keep looking at my big family and I kind of want to have 3 or even maybe 4 kids.
I can agree. I am not sure if I even want children but if I did, I would greatly prefer a girl. I have taken care if a number of children over the years and I feel closer to the girls than to boys. I would be happy with a boy but I just like the idea of taking care of a girl more. My boyfriend actually says the same thing. Of course, we are pretty anti-having children right now so it may never be an issue. I would say just enjoy your life and only have as many kids as you can afford.
I am a middle child. It is a sweet gig. I have two brothers though so I am unique in that I am the only girl…which helps. I want a girl so bad! If we are lucky enough to be able to have kids….we would have a third if we had two boys…likely not try for a third if we have two girls…then again I do not have any kids so who knows how I will feel after 1!