So somewhere around six months ago, I pretty much stopped my usual blogging routine.
It wasn’t intentional.
I was just sort of over it, and I needed a break. I promised myself that I wouldn’t write until I actually had something to say–instead of forcing myself into a habit I was no longer particularly fond of.
I’ve been waiting and waiting as to what I could write about.
In early March, I found out I was pregnant. I had always assumed that I would naturally become one of those “mommy bloggers” once the time came. I had long envisioned just exactly how I would announce my pregnancy on my blog, but surprisingly, once I actually became pregnant, I realized I actually craved my privacy more. I haven’t even done an official Facebook announcement or anything, despite this baby being more than halfway-cooked.
Plus this seemed like the completely wrong outlet to share that journey.
We are no longer newlyweds, and while we will always be on a budget, we’re not the broke newlyweds we were when I started this blog almost five years ago. It seemed disingenuous to keep blogging on this site.
SO I started a new blog. Except once I started it, I still didn’t feel like writing, so it just sort of…sat there.
Other things have happened–I got a promotion at work, which was nice.
But last week, our dog, Bentley, died pretty unexpectedly. It has been really, really hard on me. We got him a month after we got married, so we’ve pretty much always been a family of three. And now I come home, and there’s no one there to greet me, no one jumping up and giving me kisses.
When Eric is on his 24-hour work shifts, or worse yet, those dreaded 72-hour weekend shifts, I am just alone, alone, alone. I’ve seriously considered getting another dog, but I was really hoping to have a doggie break during our child-bearing years. Which is why in my plan, Bentley would be around for a couple more years and then we would wait a few years before getting another dog. I’m not really digging this change of plans.
Combine loneliness with a pregnant hormonal lady and it’s a bad, bad combination.
My excitement for the pregnancy has definitely died down, and I’m already at the point where I’m just ready to be done. I really thought that I would be one of those pregnant women that would enjoy their pregnancy, but really, I just feel uncomfortable a lot. I don’t feel good in my own skin. Worse yet, I was always secretly hoping I’d be one of those cute women with a basketball belly, but due to my curvy figure, I always sort of knew that I’d be more of the Kim Kardashian-Jessica Simpson variety, and even on my 5’7 frame, I definitely just look fat. My boobs are also enormous (like bigger-than-a-baby’s-head enormous), and it’s been impossible to find a nursing bra that fits or is comfortable.
I’ve resorted to sleeping in a bathing suit top and Eric’s boxers at night.
Eric has also done some construction on the house, so there are holes in the walls and unfinished projects that just irk me to no end.
So yeah, I’m essentially a Debbie Downer lately. I am hoping the upcoming holiday weekend will help me get out of my miserable funk.
27 comments
I’m just now catching up on commending an wanted to offer a big mazel tov on your pregnancy! I always find it refreshing to read about transitioning into parenthood from people who haven’t drunk the Kool-Aid. I don’t know if there’s a baby any time soon in our future, but I’ve already decided that little he or she would not be on my blog.
I also want to offer my condolences on Bentley. I think he was just a little older than Geronimo, and I know you were loved him so very much. Hugs.
I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your dog. I know that is heartbreaking. And I feel you on the blogging hiatus. I have taken off a few months in the past because I was so overwhelmed with work and travel, but I have been happy to get back into it and for the creative (nerd) outlet it provides. Whatever you decide to do, whether you keep blogging here or at elsewhere or not at all, good luck! And I will continue to follow along. All the best for a healthy pregnancy!
As far as a bra goes I recommend getting fitted a few weeks after baby is born with a bra without wire to prevent mastitis. This brand is te one I wear and it’s great because it has small band size 32 and big cup sizes h/i
Bravado is the brand. Sorry here a link to one I bought.
http://bravadodesigns.com/products/bliss-nursing-bra
I’m so sorry to hear of Bentley’s passing. That is really tough and dogs are absolutely part of the family. Good luck with the pregnancy. It is hard to be pregnant and for some reason people can make you think it is supposed to all be magical. I wish you the best and I’m proud of you for saying that it isn’t all rainbows and sunshine. I felt similarly and was discouraged when people mistook my being “over it” as a lack of gratitude etc. Hang in there. Thinking of you!
Wow, we’re definitely praying for you Erika! Just know that you story has been an inspiration for many people and there lives have been changed for the good because of your willingness to share it. But you are doing the right thing and only make moves based on your level of passion about it. We wish you all the best with the new baby and with the rest of your journey.
Erika, I’m so sorry to hear about Bentley 🙁 I know he was a much-loved part of your family.
And I’m sorry to hear you are having a tough time being pregnant. I hated every second of both my pregnancies and pretty much wanted to punch women in the face who said how much they ‘loved being pregnant’ 😉 Society makes us feel like we can’t complain because ‘this is what we wanted’, but it IS hard feeling sick, tired, uncomfortable and fat for months on end (not to mention all the fun things like constipation, heartburn, skin tags…).
You are not alone in feeling disappointed that you are not ‘glowing’ and feeling all mother-earthy when pregnant. Hang in there.
So so sorry about B. You’re entitled to all of your feelings. No one said you have to be a happy preggo. I was grumpy pretty much the whole time I was pregnant and didn’t enjoy it. I have friends who love it – I have no idea why. Take care of yourself and be kind to yourself. You have a lot going on and the baby excitement will build again once you get a little closer. I’m happy for you and thinking of you!
I’m so sorry about your pup but congrats on the pregnancy! My little one just turned 1 year old and I remember feeling exactly how you are about pregnancy. I thought I would love the feeling of being pregnant but turns out it’s the worst!! All I can say is that this too shall pass and you’ll look back on this time as a fleeting moment. Once your baby comes there are so many other things to think about you forget about the discomfort it took to get them there. It is all so hard and SO unbelievably worth it!! Cliche because it’s true!
Even though you aren’t inspired to blog often, I love when you check-in. It’s fun to keep up on your latest happenings 🙂
Cheers to this next chapter!
I think about you often. Huge congrats on the pregnancy- I totally get you on the privacy thing- it continues after the kid is born too. What society won’t tell you is that pregnancy can actually REALLY SUCK. I hated it…for a number of different reasons but huge one as to why we have a three year old and an unoccupied uterus is that I don’t want to be pregnant again…for a long time. I’m so sorry about your dog, it’s never easy.
If you want a good honest laugh at pregnancy and motherhood may I recommend : http://www.scarymommy.com/
Hope your spirits life Erika 🙂
I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. We lost our cat a few weeks ago and I was devastated. Congratulations on your pregnancy! Are you going to find out the gender or keep it a surprise?
Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry to hear about Bentley! He seemed like such a sweet, wonderful pup. Losing a pet is one of the more difficult things to endure, and having to go through it while pregnant is probably even more difficult. Sending you virtual hugs!
But congratulations on the pregnancy and the promotion!
Wow that is a lot of events! Congrats on the pregnancy! Hang in there!
I’m so sorry to hear about the passing of Bentley, Erika. Our dogs are bigger pieces of our families than we realize and I can only imagine how you’re feeling. Our two girls are going on 11 and 12, so we’re all preparing for the fact that time is now a luxury with them. If it’s any consolation, try to remember that the pain you feel shows how much he was loved. As for whether or not to get another dog, I hate the cliche, but you’ll know when it’s the right time. When you’re ready to start looking, and know your heart and life are open to it, you’ll get one. Until then, just focus on yourself and that new life inside of you. One of my best friends just went through a tough period in her pregnancy, where she felt disconnected from it, and working on the nursery seemed to help. As did spending some time with other friends’ kids and just trying to “take in” the moments when their kids smiled and showed emotion. It made life seem more real, she told me. Sending you so much love and support.
I’ve said this again and again, everytime I read your blog, I relate. I already know that I’m not going to enjoy being pregnant and feel EVERYTHING you are feeling. Also, my dog is my baby. I understand the feelings of loneliness when you come home. When Michael and I lost our first dog, we had JUST gotten a second dog a few months earlier and it definitely eased the pain of the loss. A dog really does brighten up the home. Honestly, I don’t see what the problem would be with getting another dog. The baby will grow up with it and studies show that they are less likely to get sick! 🙂
http://healthland.time.com/2012/07/09/study-why-dogs-and-cats-make-babies-healthier/
Thinking of you. xox
First, I’m so sorry to hear about Bentley, Erika. That just plain sucks and will be hard for a while.
Second, congrats on the baby!! Pregnancy is pretty indescribable until you experience it, and everyone is different. Being a curvy girl with some extra fluff, I felt fat throughout pregnancy instead of cute and round, but looking at some pictures now, I looked pregnant, not just fat, especially in the later part of pregnancy. I wish I took more pictures and embraced it. In some ways I think I had PPD during pregnancy rather than afterwards….
And for nursing bras, I went and got fitted at a specialty lingerie store, NOT a maternity store to get the right kind of nursing bra. She recommended getting one and then a couple weeks into nursing to come back and refit and make sure things didn’t change too much. I ended up with Elomi nursing bras (I use their regular ones and a GG/H cup size!) and was comfortable for a year of nursing. I also found some nursing tanks for around the house that did a good job (GlamourMom Nursing Bra Basic Tank).
Good luck, mama!
I have really missed your blog, but I completely get where you’re coming from. That is a lot of changes happening in a short time. I’m so sorry to hear about Bentley. That is heartbreaking. But I am also so happy for you about the baby!!! God, what conflicting emotions. I cannot imagine what you’re going through.
Also, you talking about your body changes while pregnant terrified me a little. That’s exactly how I am going to be, huge everywhere with boobs bigger than the entire baby! I already have trouble finding bras that fit properly, I didn’t even think about nursing bras! Ugh.
Oh Erika, I’m so sorry about Bentley. Before his time. ((hugs))
And congrats to you both. How exciting! And how hard it must be to be grieving a loss but also getting ready to welcome a new addition to your lives. It sucks so much that you couldn’t just enjoy that wholeheartedly without the sorrow as well. If you ever ever need an ear, please email hon.
Awe poor Bentley. :(( I’m so sorry about that but congrats on being pregnant. I had a feeling you were going to say that. Sorry it hasn’t been the thrill you thought it might be. 🙁 Congrats on the promotion as well!
I can only imagine the swirling, confusing emotions you’re experiencing during all of this. I’m so sorry to hear about your dog. That must have been devastating. Pets are just so special. But on the flip side, congratulations on the pregnancy!
I’m so sorry about everything that has happened. If you need someone to talk to, you can always email me! 🙂
I hope things get better soon.
I have missed your posts! Sorry about your dog and congrats on the baby. I definitely know how it feels to just be kind of blah about blogging. With all that change going on you are probably just feeling out of sorts and eventually you’ll feel motivated to get back at it. I have no illusions of enjoying pregnancy and it would actually be a surprised if I did.
Seriously, why do we not live closer. Much, closer. This just made me all hormonal cry. When it rains, it pours.
Oh my gosh — so many things!
First of all I’m so sorry to hear about your puppy. I’ve been following you for years (though I’m an infrequent commenter) and this just breaks my heart. I lost my sweet dog a year into our marriage (he was only 5) and it was terrible and took me months to get over. Sending you virtual hugs — many of them!
On the pregnancy front, Congratulations! It’s funny, but so many of your thoughts resonated with me on this. I had always dreamed of blogging through my pregnancy… but as soon as I found out of I was pregnant (20 weeks, this week) I had little energy or desire to do it. I announced it and that’s about it. Funny how things change, isn’t it? Plus, I’m with you on the curvy frame… no basketball for me either. Though, a girl can dream!
Prior to finding out I was pregnant, my husband and I started a plethora of home projects and I totally feel your pain on the holes in the wall… I’m just crossing my fingers and hoping we can get it figured out and finished prior to the baby actually arriving!
Wishing you the very best!
Losing a beloved pet can be hard on most, but on a woman already dealing with pregnancy hormones, it’s no wonder you are feeling blah. I’m sooty to hear about your dog, but excited to hear about your upcoming bundle of joy. I felt great during my first pregnancy (I had just finished losing 151 lbs so I was thinner than ever…despite it being a girl I was all belly). However, baby number 2 came about 4 years before we were planning. I had a 9 mo old that was not sleeping through the night or in her own bed and I still had baby weight to lose. With baby 2 I thought it must be a boy bc I carried very different from the first and just FAT EVERYWHERE!!! (TMI warning) I also felt like I was carrying a 20 lb bowling ball with my you know what!!! Totally unpleasant!
In the end I had an absolutely perfect angel to hold so I forgave all the pain☺️
It is all worth it…I promise. I still believe it at their ages 7 and 6. Eye rolling and foot stomping aside!
Find your favorite pic of you guys and Bentley. Blow it up and make it artwork for the nursery! I want to hear when you start writing on your other blog…I’ve missed your writing!
Oh my gosh! Talk about life changes! First of all, so SORRY to hear about Bentley! What happened? Our family dog is now 10 and recently hurt her neck, and I literally was a wreck the entire day until she could be seen by the vet. My Dad keeps reminding me she may not have too much time left, and everytime he says that I literally get teary-eyed. I cannot even imagine what it’s like to deal with a death, so my condolences!
Maybe this is all part of God’s plan – he’s making room for your new baby. And although you aren’t enjoying pregnancy, perhaps you will be one of those parents who fall in love the minute they hold their baby. Congrats to you and Eric on your new family member and the house purchase.
Thank you so much for the kind words!
B had a minor surgery to remove a mole on his leg. He kept acting sluggish after the surgery and we assumed it was the meds. Well, after 2 weeks he still didn’t get better so I took him to the emergency vet and they thought it was anemia. Not the best news, but it would be okay with meds. We left him overnight, and the next day they did an ultrasound which revealed he had several tumors in his liver. Unofrtunately, there was nothing that could be done. We went to pick him up on Sunday, and by Tuesday night he had deteriorated so fast we had to put him down.
It was devastating. I spent the entire next day crying. Sometimes, I still think I hear him. He was 11 and a half, so it wasn’t like he was a spring chicken, but we had never had any health issues with him ever, and he had always been relatively healthy. It was just a huge shock, and really sent me for a downward spiral.
My mom said the same thing about God knowing what he’s doing, and making room for the baby, and how B probably would have felt neglected when the baby came. But I just wasn’t ready to let go, and to be perfectly honest, it’s made me resent the pregnancy a little bit because otherwise we would have already gotten another dog already.
I know that sounds mean of me to say, especially because we were really excited about the pregnancy and had been hoping for it. It’s made me feel really guilty, so I’m hoping I get out of this funk soon and start looking forward to the baby. I added some stuff to the baby registry today and that seems to have helped my mood, so I’m hoping maybe I just need to buy some baby shit so that it starts to feel real. So far, I’ve only bought a single onesie.