The D-word seems to be an unspoken word among married couples, even though it is extremely prevalent pretty much everywhere you turn.
Is this word used too lightly? Is it “always an option”? Does everyone have a divorce clause in their marriage? For example, “I am allowed to divorce you if x, y or z occur.”
Two years ago- yes, two years ago– I wrote a post titled “It’s Hard to Be an EMT’s wife.” At the time, many comments were understanding (as most of your blog friends tend to be). Since then, I will receive random comments from people who seem to find the post through google or what not.
These comments are usually in two categories–the EMT wife who completely agrees with me that an EMT schedule sucks– and the EMTs themselves, who claim that if their wife acted like me, they would have divorced me by now.
When I first received one of these comments, it really hurt. How could someone possibly claim that I should be divorced simply by one post? But now, I have a much thicker skin.
My thought process now is that if you would so easily divorce someone over one tough period in your life, then I’m glad I didn’t marry you either.
I recently wrote that Eric and I are doing so much better with everything in our lives. And many of the reasons as to why I hated his job before no longer stand.
But I’m still a bit surprised by how easy people throw out the D-word these days. I take these mean-spirited comments with a grain of salt.
I’m glad that Eric and I don’t share the divorce mentality that these commenters do, but I’m also not dumb enough to believe that our marriage is immune to struggles just because we love each other.
Eric and I both had great marriage role models in our parents. We’ve seen them go through struggles, ups and downs and still make it through–and yes, they’re happy.
I’m not saying divorce shouldn’t be an option–there are many cases and instances where it is absolutely necessary. But I also think that sometimes we’re too quick to rush into a solution and a quick fix.
As individuals, we’re not happy all the time. And I think too often when we become married, we seem to blame our unhappiness on our marriage rather than look at our own issues.
What do you think? Is the d-word used too easily these days?
23 comments
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I think these people who easily think of a divorce as a solution are those that are not happy with their relationship in the first place and don’t want to find ways to make the relationship work in the first place.
It is used way too easily! Our culture has been conditioned to think that marriage should be easy and happy all the time. I am not married obviously, but I know how hard marriage can be from watching my own parents. Many in their situation would have gotten divorced, but they worked through it. I worry for the future.
[…] Divorce (Newlyweds on a Budget): It seems like all of a sudden I’m hearing about friends and family members having marital problems. It’s scary for someone such as myself who is a newlywed of 218 days and working hard to have that happy marriage when battling differing schedules, money woes, etc., to see and hear how some couples just seem to give up instead of trying to work things out. Great point: “As individuals, we’re not happy all the time. And I think too often when we become married, we seem to blame our unhappiness on our marriage rather than look at our own issues.” […]
I agree that divorce is used too quickly nowadays. I am not married but I have been in a relationship so long that I feel that way sometimes. We have our rows but we try to work through them as best we can. I think you have to work at it with the idea that this is it or you are way too likely to walk away at the first hint of trouble.
absolutely! I think too many people give up too easily the moment things get a bit difficult. I´ve been so lucky to have two loving parents who`ve been married for about 33 years, and I think that is just so amazing, considering the fact that my parents have been through sooooooo many difficult obstacles in life, but what has made it work has always been communication. My mother has always said: as long as you talk, keeping an open line of communcation, things will work out eventually.” And it seems like it has worked for them, so I`m going for this tactic too:-)
wow, you hit the nail on the head with your last sentence. i think people all too often stop looking inward and growing as individuals within a marriage. My marriage broke apart b/c my ex regressed to a point where he didn’t deal with issues AT ALL. wouldn’t even talk to me about his sister’s admittance of hardcore drug use for example. Communication and growth is key to a successful marriage – that includes venting when you’re unhappy with a spouse’s situation. Doesn’t mean you don’t support them or aren’t standing by them, but you should be able to talk through what does and doesn’t make you happy at any given moment.
I think people look for easy solutions and in the case of divorce an easy way out of tough situations. I’ve been married for almost 9 years. I met my husband when we were in college and I’m often amazed that we are compatible. You change a lot between the ages of 19 and 35 and it seems like a miracle if your spouse can change and also accept your changes right alongside of you. I think more care should be taken in finding the right person to marry. Perhaps people don’t really know if they are compatible in the ways that matter. These are the matters of pitter-pattering hearts and passion, but rather cleaning the house, putting the cap on the toothpaste and paying the bills. I also know a lot of people who got married in their early 30s with the hopes of having children. They rushed into a bit as they heard their biological clocks chiming. A few years later they were divorced, never having had children, and are now nearing an age where they wonder if they’ll ever meet someone with which to have them. I think communication is vital to any marriage. My husband and I have to be able to sit down with each other on a regular basis to discuss our feelings without judgement. This isn’t always easy, but once you clear the air you can find compromises, see the other person’s point of view and most importantly try to get back on the same page together. Just my two cents.
Hmm, it seems a little of both actually. I mean on one hand if someone is in a bad relationship, it’s good to know that it doesn’t have the stigma int once did to get out of the relationship, but if you look at hollywood-style marriages, then yes, it does seem like marriage and all the ups and downs that come with it is not being taken seriously.
I disagree entirely. I think it’s great that people throw around the word divorce and we don’t bat our eyes at it. In my opinion that makes it easier for people who are in the difficult situations (infidelity, abuse, etc) to choose to end their marriage.
That said, in my own relationship we don’t use the d-word (well, “splitting up” in our case) as a fighting word.
I’ agrree now a big problem of society is that doent exist a true conversation an not only on marriage!
I absolutely agree with you. Once you put that as an option, it’ll be easier to go that route. But on the other side, I see some people that are in an abusive relationship that won’t leave the marriage, because they think divorce is not an option.
I agree with you. It is used way too lightly and easily. We do not even use the word. It’s just not an option.
I do think it is thrown, used and enacted more than it should ever be. People take up to it as just another step in life… you know. Go to HS, graduate, go to college, graduate, get a job, get married, have kids, divorce, get married again, get a new car, divorce, have another kid… it’s terrible. I think that because divorce is so common, people think it’s ok (like being 16 and pregnant… do NOT get me started on that!). Though I know there are real reasons where divorce may be the only way out, it doesn’t mean that the same reasons didn’t exist decades ago when divorce was a lot harder and a lot rarer. People just learned to work through it.
I think the D word is used too easily. I think in some cases divorce should be an option. Domestic violence, infidelity, etc.
My hubby and I agree those topics would cause a divorce in our relationship.
But everything else, we will just chug along and do our best.
I remember that old post of yours. You had every right to vent and reach out for understanding back then. Mean commenters suck. Being married to a medical school student is harder than I ever fathomed in my wildest dreams. It’s truly the hardest thing I’ve ever done. As you know I keep really busy with my writing to fill up the time I spend at home alone but it’s very difficult. Divorce seems like the easy way out especially when the end is no where in sight, but it’s not as though getting a divorce and marrying someone new will immediately solve problems. Every situation, every couple has their own set of unique issues. The grass isn’t always greener and I know we have a good thing going, so I won’t even think about the D word.
Yes, it is used too much. My hubby and I went through a rough patch and we did speak of the dreaded “D” word. However we both decided again and again that we want to be with each and we will try and work it out.
I definitely think the D word is tossed out there too easily. I’m not saying there aren’t good reasons for divorce, but sometimes I wonder if it’s done too hastily. Even though I’m not married, I’m well aware that it’s a lot of work and it’s not always candlelight and romance. If people spent half as much time planning for their marriage as they do for their wedding DAY, there might be fewer divorces.
My husband and I are in a bit of a rough patch but I’m glad we’ve never brought up “the D word” – except to say “we will never do that!” I’m glad that the external issues that were causing you problems have passed. I think that’s the important point – are you and your husband a team fighting through your issues together or are you letting your issues rend you apart? We are trying to do more of the former and less of the latter.
I don’t know if it is thrown around too often, but 50% of marriages end in divorce. I think people marry with very little thought, so it would be expected that some would end in divorce. Whether it is the movie version of marriage or some other romantic notion, it colors our thinking. There are reasons to too. It is easy to marry and easy to divorce. Marriage is supposed to be a big deal and we should treat it as such.
I agree that the D word is thrown around too much…and even though I am divorced (obviously, as you know!), it saddens me when it seems like the easy way out. In my case, it DID feel that way, when my ex didn’t want to work on things at all, but it was the biggest blessing I could have ever asked for, in hindsight. Totally different situation than what you refer to of course, though!! XOXO
Definitely.
I really don’t think marriage is supposed to be easy breezy all the time. It can’t be. Life is sucky sometimes, people make mistakes, relationships change. I don’t know a single couple that has been together over a decade that can’t admit to having a rough patch (or a few). I think we’ve been taught to be afraid of being unhappy and to change things as soon as they aren’t pleasing us. That doesn’t work in a marriage.
Definitely! It seems like people tend to choose the easier way for everything these days, not just marriage.